A cry for help

Hola hola,

All pleasantries aside, I want you to take a look at the picture above. I know pictures speak a 100 words, but I must accompany that picture with these hashtags.

#LoveinAsorock #MrRomantic #LoveRunsNigeria #FirstCouple #MrandMrsNigeria

To today’s episode…

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A cry for help

Back to the pleasantries. How am I? Heartbroken.

There are many indicators that Nigeria is in a different (derogatory) state from when I last visited, but the one I’m specifically addressing today is the shawarma subject.

When I confirmed I’d be making this trip, I prepared a short to-eat list of things I’ve not had proper versions of in the few years I’ve been away. The list includes, but not limited to: massa, boiled corn, roasted corn, ube, akara, shawarma, suya, and goat meat. My mom, bless her heart, helped me strike Goat meat off immediately by making it as my welcome back meal.

The other items, I’ve been getting to them slowly but surely. I had boiled corn next. It was so good that I mistakenly ate 4.

Next up: Shawarma.

Kachi says there’s a new way to order shawarma. The days of standing in line, waiting your turn, then specifying shawarma preference went with the old government. The new way is via WhatsApp and it includes: sending a message, specifying preference, they prepare it, text when it’s ready, then you go to pick up.

I should have known that this new way, like the many new things in Nigeria, is an indication of the state of affairs, but this is 2025. We are technology-forward. I decided to get along. It’s also shockingly pricey, but what isn’t? Tinubu is on the throne. Also, Kachi and Mommy assured me that this is one of the best shawarmas.

The moment the message came through that it was ready, I took my place as Kachi’s passenger princess and headed to the spot.

We picked the shawarma and without wasting time, I took a plate, undressed the shawarma from its paper costume, and cut it diagonally into halves. Shawarma is not to be eaten as one unless you want it in pieces after 3 bites (If you didn't know this before, you’re welcome). I took it and my bottle of cold water, because Abuja is a sauna, and pressed play on my current emotional support sitcom - Living Single. I had to make sure I was emotionally, mentally, and psychologically ready to experience a tantalizing bite after 2 years.

Finally, I lifted the shawarma with both hands and brought it in for that long-awaited first bite. The last taste of shawarma etched in my memory is one with chicken, mayo, double sausage, pepper, etc. I was set to live in that memory again.

And then -

Okay.

This is…something.

Not shawarma but something.

Before you start, I know nostalgia has a way of coloring things and making them seem better than they were. But I promise you, this is not the double chicken, double sausage Thelma and I ordered on the 26th after salary hits.

This shawarma had minced meat.

Mind you, I ordered chicken. Even if it was beef shawarma, why is minced meat in it? The protein filling used for shawarma is thinly sliced and shaved fresh off the rotating spit. Even if it was beef shawarma, why, WHY, would there be minced meat in it?

To bite into shawarma and taste minced meat was disappointing in ways words cannot convey. One of our street-food pillars is slipping through our fingers, guys. This is a cry for help. This is the type of thing that makes people find the nearest rooftop to scream. My suggestion is that we come together as a nation to look into this. Bring the perpetrators to book and all that.

Anyway, as I already mentioned, I was hungry, so I finished it, but I’m writing this here because this disappointment must be televised. I could try a different vendor, but I remembered what J. Cole said: fool me once, shame on you, why should I allow myself to be fooled again?

Thank you for sympathizing with me. We shall overcome. #GodBlessNigeria #EgoBetter

(H.E.R.’s beautiful and melodic Tiny Desk concert kept me company as I wrote this. I may have paused a few times to sing and vibe, but the letter is done, so yay!)

Yours in Squalor,

Chidi baby.